Wanna Hump?

I lost my virginity on a bathmat.
I was 18.
I think my 'first time' fucked with my psycho-sexual development.
I'm not saying I get hardons in the bed and bath section at Walmart.
I just crave some romance.
Its been a while, if it's happened at all.
I'm sure there were one or two candles in there, but most likely a side effect as compared to a tool for seduction.
Like, say, I was getting head before I blew out the candles on my birthday cake.
Or, I rolled over to light one so I could see what the fuck 'this guy' was trying to do!

That's not the way it was meant to be.
I screwed up THE PLAN when I gave my virgintiy to someone 3 feet away from a fucking toilet.

I want to get some in a hot air balloon!
I want to make love on a beach!
I want to fuck in the forest of Algonquin park!
Or, I want a candle lit. A nice one, maybe even smells good!
I'm not some needy gay guy who wants to 'cuddle' (much).
But, I want someone who puts some thought into a good screw.
Maybe not everytime, or even most of the time.
But once in a while is a must.
I'm sick of the guy who dry humps yer leg and then looks at you like yer supposed to be excited about what's comming next!
I hold Karen and the bathmat accountable!
I crave romance because I experienced my first sex with 4 knees and two elbows on a plush blue bathmat at a friends house.
That is some sick shit!