Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ce jour suce le pénis des chameaux

I'm tired of letting the media blow its load in my mouth so I've shut the TV off and sauntered over to the fridge in search of an easily accesible snack.
I see nothing, but a bottle of Kokanee catches my eye. I swap it up in place of the orange juice I was actually thinking about and search half heartedly for the abominable snowman which is apparently hidden somewhere different on ever label. Before I find him I have twisted the cap that Columbia Brewery has designed for my convenience and helped me save the money on a bottle opener. Such good people they are out there in beautiful British Columbia.
The monotone humm of my boyfriends laptop reminds me that I am still to be job hunting and sending my credentials over the world wide web hoping someone will even open the file in which all of my personal information (and subtle pimping of myself) is contained.
I know they probably won't.
On Maury Povich this morning some fat guy was admitting to his diseased wife that he had been selling his body to both men and women so that he could afford the medication necessary to sustain her life. She got all mad and pushed him away.
"Oh, how could you do this to me" and other predictable retorts spouted from he oddly pouty mouth.
'Look lady, he's fucking some of the ugliest bastards you could imagine and he's doing it all so you can still wake up tomorrow and eat yer cream of wheat.'
Or something like that I would have said if I were in the audience, and felt like speaking. I just hope I wouldn't be on of those typical douche bags in the peanut gallery who just holler shit out, or prey they get applause after their usually poorly thought out comments. I just realized how quiet it is in here because I forgot to put some music on, John made me clean up my CD's off of the living room floor, and now I don't know where anything is. Plus yesterday I put on Madonna's new album to hear why people keep telling me it's good, and I just couldn't get it. In fact, it's hard to listen to for me. Maybe I'm more for the classics, I liked it when she sang about getting laid and then knocked up. Now, she just spouts shit out, and I wanna sew her vocal chords together. I wouldn't, cause I can't stand blood.
Lately I have been considering how eerily similar we are to the SIMS. We work, come home, fuck, make babies, work more to support the babies into adulthood, eat dinner and die. I've thought about hog-tying my boyfriend moving out to the woods and sustaining ourselves off of the land, but I know the resurgence of the 60's mentality wonuldn't fly, so I'm going to combat the boredom that has me nerve wracked by making more lists.
UNDERRATED SONGS
1. Run To The Hills - Iron Maiden
2. That's What It Takes - Celine Dion
3. Autumns Here - Hawksley Workman
4. O Holy Night
5. That song by, hmm, was it Sharon Lois and Bram, about the old lady who lived in the woods oooooh ohhh ohh ohh, and you sat there terrified waiting for her to scream BOO. And you always knew it was coming but for some chilhood reason that was never enough to prepare you for it, and you shat yer pants every time it came.
ANNOYING CELEBRITIES
1. Ben Mulroney
2. Raven-Symone (Has anyone seen 'That's So Raven'? it's a half hour with the Anti-Christ!)
3. Carnie Wilson (her first name says it all "Come see the worlds fattest lady who got skinny and made money from it, don't forget yer candy floss sold for a mere $7 a bag just outside the big-top")
4. Antonio Banderas (the worlds ugliest latin lover fantasy comes to life in this heart warming drama set in the spanish country side)
5. Tyra Banks
Aspects Of A Repulsive Personality
1. Feeling the need to tell others to 'smile'.
2. Referring to your mother as Mom, when you're talking to me...."Mom says", I'm actually riddled with shock by how many people do it.
3. Using racial slang and meaning it
4. Farting during meals
5. Telling people that you've never masterbated
6. Those people who just wait until it is their turn to speak again when you're having a conversation. You can physically see them hanging off of thier next words, and totally oblivious to what you're saying. I figuratively throat punch all of those kinds of people.
7. The double soy latte with skimmed milk assholes
Movies You Should Really See (à mon avis humble)
1. A Dirty Shame - John Waters
2. Mean Creek - Jacob Aaron Estes
3. Outrageous Fortune - Arthur Hiller
Top Three Things I Will Only Admit In French
1. J'ai eu un rêve que j'ai eu des rapports anaux avec votre grand-père
2. Mon testicule gauche est sensiblement plus grand que ma droite, et souvent odeurs des ananas de décomposition quand danse de salsa de I.
3. Je me sens assez quand je place un sale, chaussure portée dans mon rectum et applique le rouge à lèvres à mon scrotum.

4 Comments:

Blogger karmen said...

you're a sick fucking bastard.
oh wait, let me rewrite that in french and maybe you won't figure it out.

i too, hate "that's so raven" show. recognize who the token white girl is on that show? she's blossom's best friend, another winner of a show. i can't remember what her name was on that show...something wierd....

1:36 PM  
Blogger lisa said...

six

3:11 PM  
Blogger karmen said...

yes. six.

she's gotta be pushing 35 or 40 now, and still playing a college freshman.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Machine said...

You look kinda creepy.

In Quebec we used to bugger all kinds of animaux.

that's a clever word verification you came up with ; bfgbcil

7:06 PM  

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