Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Parles Francais

I've always wished I could speak french.
There is no better language to express discontent than french.
Je Ne T'aime Pas!
You'll have to pardon my spelling, as I said, I do not speak or write the language. But, here are a few things I ne taime pas.

1) PT Cruisers - Okay, the one with the faux wood paneling on the doors is the most offensive, shit, or is it the convertible? They're always driven by business people who have these odd fantasies about being a gangster (not to be confused with gangsta) or they want to fuck a mob boss. Middle aged, white professional schleps with stinky foreskin and 2.3 children. Hold me back, I think I may go Gotti.

2) Poorly thought out Tattoos - Okay, I saw this woman, HUGE, not obese, but tall, I felt like a dwarf. She had white cotton shorts on (her underwear was blue, but the shorts weren't sheer as much as falling apart) and her tat was cat paw prints running all the way up her leg. But, close together, one after another, and they were all black, then, like the tenth paw print, PINK, more black, then pink. It went all the way up her leg, ankle to dilapidated shorts. Did they lead to her pussy?
I have the shivers.

3) Advertising - Okay, we all puked at the ZIT slushie, but I have issues with the new yogurt drink. I remember 'YOP' when I was a kid and wondering why people wanted to drink yogurt. Now, we get XS or is it XL, some shit, anyway, the commercial depicts these kids going to some cool after school party and drinking yogurt while getting down to some cool hip hop that is being mixed by a cartoon tiger. Hip hop and yogurt, of course, I only kick myself for not thinking of it first. Damn advert moguls.

4) Dog Town and Z Boys - The original doc had woody harrelson narrating the story of a group of people in Cali that made skateboarding what it is today. It was cool. Then I saw that a movie was made of it. I must have missed it. But, there are kids wandering around with the hairstyles and attitudes of the Z boys, but no one has a fucking skateboard? This is almost as annoying as the indie rocker phase where everyone looked like Jack White, but no one played an instrument.

5) The INXS reality show - If I died masturbating I would be pissed if my band replaced me at the will of the north American public. 'Guns In The Sky', a fucking anthem man!

6) Camping Equiptment - Lantern; $69.99, Tarp; $19.99, Rubbermaid Container; $29.99, Stove; $84.99, Water Container; $8.99. The list goes on, it was supposed to be a cheap trip. OH, Weed; $75.00. Plus, as per Karen, first aid kits so we can stitch one another back together after plummeting off a cliff.

7) Irrational fears - Bears, I'm going camping. There will be no food, hygienic products or pleasantly smelling items or people in my tent. I have checked the bear safety websites, I know the guidelines, and the mother fuckers I am camping with WILL adhere to these regulations. Rattle Snakes, yeah, in Northern Ontario. Who Knew? I still need to check the Rattle Snake safety websites. New guidelines coming shortly.

8) Dreams - Yeah, last night I had a sex dream about a midget, and his foreskin got caught in my throat? I now believe that dreams are a glimpse into the level of crazy that one person houses. Potential Crazy. I may very well be a sexual deviant for reasons I had yet undiscovered.

I have said too much!

1 Comments:

Blogger Another Apartment in Blogville. said...

Hmmm...and exactly which sites are you checking, with regard to "bears"?
just kidding! i'm envious you are going camping...

5:54 AM  

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