If I Were A Princess

I have this friend named Lisa who is good friends with a girl who acted in the movie 'Mean Girls' with Lindsay Lohan. The actress told Lisa that Lohan was a total 'princess' and had a long list of demands that she enforced during filming.
I got to thinking.
If I were a princess, what would I make damn sure I had around to make sure I was acting at the top of my game.

1) Dasani - I don't care what people say, it's the best tasting bottled water out there. Yes, I am aware that it is bottled by the Coca Cola Corporation. I simply don't care. It beats Evian hands down.

2) My own private toilet - No one else would have access to this. Except the cleaner who would have to wipe off the bottom of the toilet seat semi regularly. I get the trots when I'm nervous. I would also need AXE deordorant body spray to freshen the room when I was done, and a stereo in there that would mask any sounds I may make. Also, I'd need a good shitting CD too. Maybe 'Coral Fang' by The Distillers.

3) Dill Pickles - To snack on between takes, and they better be crunchy or the caterer better fucking run. What's worse than a soggy pickle?

4) A Cell Phone - So I could call all my friends and tell them what a dick Mel Gibson is in person.

5) Nap Time - And I'd want an air conditioned trailer with a huge bed and a body pillow so I could dry hump it while falling gracefully off to sleep and picturing Mel naked and touching me.

6) A Mean Personal Trainer - So he'd call me shit like 'Fat Boy' or 'Chunk' and motivate me to do some time on the cross trainer for an hour or so in the afternoon.

7) All the software necessary to make my own electronic music - That way I can finally make my CD, and entrance all the other actors with one of my 'other' talents.

8) A body double - No fucking way I'm taking my shirt off and having it documented on film. He'd have to be nicely tanned, great pecs and abs and a fair measure of chest hair. I think when I die and go to heaven that's how I'll look, and I'll be an underwear model for Calvin when I get up there, oh yeah, and in my heaven, Mark Whalberg is chubby.

9) Flip Flops - Brightly coloured and make loud slapping noises when I walk, and I'd run by Mel when he was talking to one of his Christian friends on the phone. He'd scowl at me, and then I'd grab my cell phone and call someone to tell them what I had just done. And we'd laugh. Then I'd dry hump my pillow.

10) A Clock On A Gold Chain - And I'd freestyle in front of a room full of people who would have to applaud my efforts, or I'd get them all fired.

11) A Kilt - And I'd be dating Ashley MacIsaac. I'd put the kilt on and we'd spank one another, but some paparazzi would take pictures of us through the Venetian blinds of my trailer, and my mom would be really pissed at me when the enquirer came out.

12) LiL Kim - She'd be my friend, and we'd sit in my trailer and smoke pot, and she'd tell me stories about her and her other friends, and all the crazy shit they do. And from that relationship I'd introduce words like scurred, gurl and simma down, into all my public appearances. "Oprah, simma down gurl, I'm not scurred of you, let me fuckin talk gurl!"

Shit, now I wish I was a princess.
I hate my job!