Worst Nightmare

My friend Lisa and I were talking about irrational fears, just a conversation confessing what scares the shit out of us.
We threw a few fears back and forth and then she told me that her mother was afriad of balconies.
Me; "Why, she's afraid of heights?"
Lisa; "No, she's afraid she'll jump."
It was the first time I had ever been able to completely relate to someone elses fear, and I had only heard it second hand.
When I am sitting on a balcony I worry that I will suddenly snap, and throw myself over.
To the point where I can feel myself falling.
I can see the ground getting closer.
I don't want to die, but for some reason I throw myself over the concrete wall and metal railing.
My heart always races, and I want to go inside, but I keep it quiet and tell myself that I am just being 'crazy'.
I think it stems from a special I watched on City TV, years ago, about people who suffered 'psychotic breaks'.
Apparently you lose you mind for an undetermined amount of time, and then all of a sudden regain your sanity.
There was this one girl, cute, sleeve tattoos, seemed so grounded.
She woke up in the psych ward after 'apparently' running naked through the streets of toronto and chanting.
Police came, the whole nine yards, they forced her into an ambulance and took her to the hospital.
Diagnosis;
Psychotic Break.
It said it can happen to anyone, at any time.
I never think about that show, or the 'breaks', until I am on a balcony.
I'm afraid of my own mind?
I watch too much TV?
I don't know.
It's just funny how certain things stick with us.
20/20 fucked me up hardcore in a similiar way.
Odd that parents keep their kids away from violent movies and TV shows but 'real horror' is fair game.
I don't know where I am going with this, I was just on a balcony.