Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Simple Rules For Good Face Sucking

How many of us say that we enjoy kissing more than the sexual act?
How many believe that it is more intimate?
So, if it is so important, then why do so many of us deliver a lousy kiss.
I started out pretty lucky, back in the days of kissing girls i never had a complaint, aside from that fact that they were girls.
But, they kissed well.
Then, I came out. Started kissing men. For a while I was pretty confident with the skills I had aquired, and was pleasently surprised by the skills of the men I was kissing.
However, it has gone downhill.
So, I figured, it was time to lay down some simple ground rules to enhance your kissing experiences.
First of all, the men who have never kissed women have a lot to learn.
I hope this helps.
Kissing techniques to avoid;
1) The Tongue Spear; this one is particularly offensive. It is when the person you're making out with makes their tongue into a tubular mass of flesh, and they just shove it in there. Throw it in there. Then, the tongue dies, and you're left with a mouthfull of limp tube. Typically the lips stop moving. It's almost like your partner has died. The only thing to do is pull away. Hopefully then they retract the tongue and learn from their mistakes, but some sit there looking at you with their tongues still out, like they're waiting for you to open yer mouth and keep it warm for them. This is not good. People who do this get talked about behind their backs.
2) The Waterslide; This is also not a good way to make a lasting impression. The tongue forms that hotdog bun thing that only those of us with the recessive gene can form, and the inside of the bun acts as a tunnel for spit to leak down into the other persons mouth. I do not want you to spit in my mouth, so please, don't drool in it either. Hell, take a break and swallow once in a while.
3) The Non-Commital Tongue; This is the one that pops in at bad times, like when you're moving your lips and mouth around and they end up licking your teeth. We all brush thanks, this is supposed to be sexy, not hygenic.
4) The Archaeologist; This technique makes the receiver think that the person kissing them is looking for something. The microfilm or the arc. They use their tongue as a search engine, and run it around the inside of your mouth like a fucking automatic pool cleaner. It's creepy. There's nothing in there but a tongue and some teeth, and if you don't smarten up, someones going to bite down.
5) The Biter; I once had a girl bite my tongue so hard it bled. I wanted to punch her. Make sure your partner is into S&M before you latch onto something. Had it been a guy I would for sure have crotch punched him. A gentle lip nibble can be good if your in the sack, but a full on bite, well, that calls for a fucking throw down!
6) I don't even know what to call this one; But for you people out there who lean in for a kiss with your mouth open and tongue already sticking out, well, it's not all about that. The thrill is waiting for that magical french kiss to start, not to have yer fucking tongue in my mouth before our lips even meet. Okay, Tom Cruise pulled it off in Top Gun, are you Tom Cruise? Then fuck off!
7) Dental Derby; Do not ever make contact with your teeth and the person you are kissing. Are you trying to crawl inside? Or are you trying to see who has the bigger mouth opening? There's no bigger mood kill than that familiar 'clink' of two different peoples teeth rebounding off of one another. Go easy, it's better that way.
8) The Clamper; These are the people who afraid of a tongue kiss, they spend the makeout session (which typically is short lived for them) with their teeth clenched. What's the problem here? Shit, you're not in grade 8 are you? Fuck, I gotta go!
9) EYES OPEN; Okay, you want to fully creep out the person you're kissing, have them open their eyes once in a while and see that you're dead pan staring at them. Shut em, maybe not all the time, but for sure, once in a while. No one wants to be stared at when they're that close. *shivering* it's kinda like making out with a lunatic.

I don't want to go on for too long, but for real, keep some of this shit in mind. Maybe you won't get laughed at in the bars or around the water cooler so much!
Pucker up baby!

1 Comments:

Blogger Another Apartment in Blogville. said...

Ian submit this to online magazines - or even gay magazines in Toronto!! Seriously!! it's hilarious!! "it's almost like your partner has died" and "i almost punched her." hahahahahh GREAT lines...seriously - it's perfect! send it somewhere to get published!!

12:02 PM  

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