Private Shit

For everyone who knows me, they know I have bizarre issues with 'going # 2' in public washrooms. I hate it, and often hold it for as long as it takes until I reach the warm and comforting arms of my bathroom at home.
I have left restaurants, bars and parties to go home and make a dirty, and then return to the event at hand.
At work (a retail store) there is a staff and public washroom, side by side. I don't have too much of an issue with going there now because I have been working for this store for far too long. But, I have equipped the facilities with all the necessary amenities to make sure my experience is a good one (cologne to spray afterwards, extra toilet paper, a toilet brush and a door jam).
Yesterday I went into the staff washroom and seated myself for my daily release.
There was a knock at the door after the point of no return.
My face went red, I mean, if you try the door, and it is locked, there is a pretty good chance that someone is in there, so whey then is it necessary to knock.
"Yup, someone's in here", I said.
'Someone', like I wasn't exactly sure who was in there, or like I wanted to remain anonymous? I'm surprised I didn't disguise my voice.
"Yeah Der is somevone in here dare dare".
It was Suzanne. She's new, maybe a month under her belt.
Suzanne is the type of person that Saturday Night Live skits are based on.
She is a very nice girl. From a small town. Grew up on a farm.
One day she came to work looking like a Mennonite. Long flowing skirt and long flowing white blouse over top, hair in a pony tail and not a stitch of makeup.
She's one of those people who refer to their parents as mom and dad when she's telling you a story.
"I was gardening the other day and Mom drove in and was pretending to hit me with her car, so after she went inside, I filled up my watering jug and I dumped it all over her car".
(Insert creepy giggle here)
Very, very sweet girl, but pretty eccentric.
"Do you know how long you're going to be?"
I sat there, mid shit, thinking to myself, 'no, she didn't just ask how long it will take me to finish shitting'.
I was stunned, all that I could get out was
"Umm, what?"
Then she said it again, only louder this time, because I guess she thought my misunderstanding was a volume problem and she needed to speak up so I could hear her through the door.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG YOU'RE GOING TO BE?"
By this time my face is burning red. I have never been so embarrassed while having a bowelmovement in my life, and believe me, I get easily embarrassed when it comes to anything that goes down in a washroom.
I sat on the toilet wondering why God was doing this to me.
I hummed and hawed and couldn't think of an appropriate response.
'Well, at the current force that I am pushing I estimate that all solid waste should have exited my body in approximately 3 and 1/2 minutes'.
Nope, that wouldn't work.
I was speechless.
Thank God Suzanne was there to help me.
"If I come back in five minutes will that give you enough time?"
I looked for a rock to crawl under, there were only logs.
"Umm, Yes"
Then she said goodbye and I heard her leave the area where the washrooms are.
I finished.
Washed my hands and ran away from the toilet as fast as I could.
I saw Suzanne in the men's denim section.
"All done?"
I just kept going and she walked into the washroom.
I wanted to go back and knock on the door and ask her if it smelled badly in there, and if I could do anything to help.
But, I realize that she is just very innocent.
I guess maybe back at the farm her family is all about estimates.
So, I left her alone.
BUT, I think I might be back to holding it for a while, I have a comfort level that was just blown right the fuck out of the water!