Monday, December 19, 2005

hexmas Shopping

The other day my loving boyfriend took me to the mall so that I could purchase a few things for xmas. At first I was kind of excited, looking forward to the mad rush and grab associated with shopping this close the the holiday. I got into the car with a big smile on my face, partially because he and I had been joking around all morning and partly because I was genuinely excited at the prospect of finding a great gift.
Then we got to the mall, actually felt lucky to find a parking spot at the furthest point of the parking area, got out of the car and headed in. I got that sort of sick feeling I get in my stomach when I know I have to shop. It's kind of like shit cramps, but I know I'm not going to shit. That, and I feel like I could cry. For real, remember when you got picked on as a kid? Okay, well, I got fucking picked on, and it's that sad "I want my mommy" kind of urge to sob. It sort of tinged a bit as we headed to the manually operated door of The Bay. For about the first 12 years of my life I couldn't figure out what that logo was for The Bay, when a friend told me it was a giant 'B' my balls crawled into my stomach and I made mental note to never again ask another human a question with the potential for that much embarrassment. Hmm, no wait, I did it the other night. I was chatting to a friend of mine online and he said that he was going to 'Narnia' tonight. Now, I am still a pretty new Calgarian, so I thought Narnia was like Okotoks or some other oddly named small community in the area, so what did I ask...."Oh cool, where's Narnia", his response was LOL, ROFL, LMAO. I still didn't get it until he said it was a Movie called 'The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe', then I just got kinda red, remembered the giant B of The Bay, and moved on.
Ahem, anyfuckingway...
We get inside and I see the opportunity for boyfriend and I to go our separate shopping ways and I give us a place to meet back. I head through horrendous crowds of people that I am calling cunts, faggots and assholes in my head, even small children. "Ugly fucking kid, get the fuck out of my way before I take you out to the parking lot and make you fuck yer mommy". I get one gift, then head to the Body Shop for another. Inside I wait patiently to get at what I want, which is being picked over by breeders who want to buy their wives just about anything to make them fuckable again. And finally, my turn, I grab and turn to the cashiers, which only 45 seconds prior to that had been visible. Now they were buried in a line 24 people deep. I know I need presents, so I take my place, but a few times before making it to the front of the line I imagine pitching my gift through one of the windows and storm out, of course, in the fantasy it's a bit gayer than that, and it turns into some hexmas-rock musical, and I dance down the main aisle 'kevin bacon' style. I didn't do it though, I just waited, saw a dad I'd like to fucking punch and then was the next person in line. Suddenly 'I wanna be cool alterna chick' is standing beside me and scanning the cashiers. She then notices me, says "Oh" in recognition of the fact that she is not the next in line, and then turns and sees the actual line up.
Again, this time an element of surprise added, "OH!".
I turn and nod the 'that's right bitch' nod, and then look back to see if any openings have appeared for me.
"You know, you shouldn't leave so much room at the front of the line between you and the cashiers or someone might bud in front of you".
That time I opted for the "Get the fuck out of my face" scowl and she turned to make her way to her rightful spot in line.
Before she had taken her first step a woman in line behind me, said to me..
"Not Bloodly Likely EH!"
I turned and say a small stout woman with an armful of beauty accessories looking up at me and smirking.
I responded, 'Nope, no way that's going to happen'.
"No way is right, she'd be on her ass before her purchases touched the cash desk".
I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing, then so did she. Apparently alterna chick had hung around for our short conversation and was looking at us with disbelief. The lady and I noticed that and laughed harder.
Then it was my turn, but I was smiley guy again, so I poured sugar and Christmas cheer all over the cashier. Paid my total and headed back out into the mall.
It was 1:01 pm.
I had arranged to meet my man by Santa Claus at 1:05 pm, I got to pick the time, and that's what I settled on okay.
So I popped into HMV, to look and see if I could find that song "I need a Hero, but he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be something and he's gotta be down for the fight" cause I heard it in john's car the other day and it made me want to be a good dancer. I couldn't remember her name though, I never can, but I did know it was on the footloose soundtrack, so I looked for that, but it was sold out. How cool is that? The Footloose soundtrack was sold out in 2005. Made me giggle a bit.
By 1:23pm, I was on my third circle of the Santa's Wonderland display and scowling a bit, Oh, and I think I got 'cruised'. That means I think another gay man saw me, and gave me a certain look/stare that says 'follow me and we'll go find a dirty place to get each other off, and then I can go home and eat my wife's meatloaf and you can go to counseling and try to uncover why it is you had sex with a total stranger in a mall bathroom.' I looked away and got the chills a bit, it was so animalistic, I felt like such a piece of meat, it was degrading, ah hell, I was kind of flattered, but I did wonder how he knew I was gay. Maybe this whole holiday has added to the swagger in my step. I needed something to frown about so I could get butch again.
Oh Yeah....'my boyfriend is late meeting me and I am in a swarm of children either loudly excited about seeing santa again, or emitting high volume screams of terror that their parents are going to make them sit on some strange mans lap. ALL of the pictures my parents have of me on Santas lap, I am wailing.
I was bitter again. And back to butch.
Then, I saw him coming down one of the halls with a gift in his hand, looking none too thrilled to be there. I melted a little. We exchanged horror stories, I lectured him on the err of his ways cause he bought himself a regular coke and no diet coke for me, and then we both agreed it was time to leave the mall. I was happier again.
I had to drive, because John is sure that it will help me learn the city. This is not the case, I simply 'turn left' or 'turn right' when I hear the commands, and eventually we get to our destination. Having to do it on my own, I'd be fucked. This time I turned my rights and lefts and ended up in the parking lot of an even busier mall. I was a little confused, but, I remember what a dick I was to shop with when he and I had to go looking for shirts for his company xmas party, so I sucked it up and parked. Then he told me I was a bad driver and I soured for the rest of the shopping experience.
I am not a bad driver, this is what happened, it was bright, like really bright, I was making a right hand turn and didn't see the car coming. They stopped (in plenty of time I might add) and then sat there and everyone in the car gave me dirty looks, they started to go again, and I giggled and gunned it out in front of them, they had to brake again. But, not BUT, had I not done that we would NOT have gotten that good parking spot, and to this very moment could have been driving around trying to find a place to leave the fucking Jeep.
We go in, a few shops, a few "How can I help you?" and a few "Just looking"s.
Then we go into a furniture store, see these huge leather chairs with high backs and plush armrests and they're positioned in front of a big screen TV. We both sit down. Just as I am changing channels a sales lady comes over and asks if she can 'wrap then up for us'. I chuckle, but am getting impatient with the whole shopping thing. Anyway, so we say no we're just taking a break, and she tells us about the price, the pieces, the leather or other upholstery available and the option converter storage space.
I want to kick her, but I just watch the TV instead and let John tell her no.
We get away. Then he points out a 'Hutch' that he loves, I saw it's ugly and chuckle in my head about the 'Starsky' I used to love.
"Oh, what are you looking at? Do you guys like that lamp?"
And she's back again. John says that we do, I guess to not have to explain the Hutch that we were pseudo-arguing over. She launches into another sales attack, and I slip away as unnoticed as I could be by turning my back and heading into another direction. John follows soon after.
THEN, we go to Best Buy.
I have this idea again, that it might be kind of fun to have a cell phone. So, John suggests we look. I remember getting there and looking at the very first phone and all of a sudden.
"OH, HI, do you have any questions, you can ask me, because I happen to be the bell representative."
And she's got those blonde chunks in her hair, you know like that box in the hair dye aisle 'chunking' and it's the girl with the dark brown hair and those big blonde chunks. Yeah, like that. Only her hair is sort of disheveled and she's got blunt cut bangs that are wispy and begging to be combed.
"No thanks", I muster in the best voice I can, "Just looking".
'Well, are you familiar with Bell?"
And I'm thinking, like what? You mean that we have Alexander to thank for it. Today is not the day to fuck with me lady.
"Let me give you some history", and all of a sudden John and I are begrudgingly thrown into the verbal tour of Bell Canada, from it's origin to it's competition to the locale of it its towers. My eyes were burning like they always do in the mall, and I was trying to maintain some eye contact as I squinted and blinked and tried to restore some moisture.
"What are you looking for?"
I admit that I have toyed with the idea that I might like to get a pay as you go phone.
She asks me why pay as you go and I say it's my commitment issues. She laughs and makes verification of the fact that neither of us had girls with us. MMM HMMM. Do you know what gay means you fucking tart?
Then, she tells me about some monthly phone plans and cancellation fees. Now, she's speaking to me in English, so I assume that she understands the words coming out of my mouth, such as PAY AS YOU GO!!!
I again thank her, but say that I am not interested in making any purchase today, and that I am just looking.
For real, that was like time number 7 for telling her I wasn't interested. Then she says to me
"So, do you want to have a look at one of our handsets?"
I pictured knocking her down and making her yell uncle in order to get me to remove her pamphlets from her ass.
I turn to John
"I can't take this anymore, I have to get out of here".
And then I simply turned and walked away.
I knew John and Bell Rep were staring at me exiting the store in a sort of wonderment, but I couldn't help it.
When John got outside he simply told me that I had been rude.
He was right too, I had, and I knew it. I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit.
Then we went to the grocery store and John made us Green Curry Chicken on Coconut Sticky Rice for dinner, and we ate it as we watched The Fantastic 4.
I was happy then.
But this week.....I have to do some more shopping.
Bell Reps beware!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

You Too Can Be This Happy

Look at the sheer exhilaration in karen's eyes. Feel the joy she must be feeling from her visit to Calgary. I mean, that kind of excitement is rarely captured on film. This is the kind of joy that all of my friends can expect to feel when the come and visit us in Calgary. So don't hold back, book your tickets now, with Karen as the poster child for vacations in Alberta we don't expect there to be many seats available. Order now, space is limited!

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Devil's Rejects

Okay, I'm all for a good horror movie. I love the feeling of knowing something is going to happen, not knowing when, and then flying out of your seat when it does. Well, The Devil's Rejects is not like that. It's not a nail biter, it's not even eerie as much as it is flat out disgusting. I made it through about 25 minutes of the movie, and then I had to go for a shower and leave my boyfriend and my best friend to finish out the movie without me. I rememeber talking to my friend Lisa about the film. She told me that her and her boyfriend were going to go see it with another couple, but the other couple opted not to go because of a 'brutal rape scene' in the movie. Well, let me tell ya. This movie is not just a twisted horror, it's a fucked up movie that seems to delve solely into the goal of going too far. It's not so much offensive, I mean, suspension of disbelief is a great thing, but this movie is just over the top with brutality and gore. Not even gore, I mean, b-horror movies of the 80's had tons of bloodshed, but this movie, I don't know. I remember watching 'Seven' and feeling dirty when it was over. I couldn't imagine how I would feel at the end of this one. I guess maybe that's what makes it a good movie to a reviewer, it causes a reaction. But fuck me, I don't want to see this shit. The rape scene, the violence, the whole thing, it was just too much for me. I'm curious to know if anyone else has seen it, and what they think. I can't imagine sitting through the whole movie, and even if I could, to then at the end of it say that it was good. Ebert and Roeper gave it two thumbs up. WTF? I don't know, it was too brutal for my blood. Anyone else?