Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ce jour suce le pénis des chameaux

I'm tired of letting the media blow its load in my mouth so I've shut the TV off and sauntered over to the fridge in search of an easily accesible snack.
I see nothing, but a bottle of Kokanee catches my eye. I swap it up in place of the orange juice I was actually thinking about and search half heartedly for the abominable snowman which is apparently hidden somewhere different on ever label. Before I find him I have twisted the cap that Columbia Brewery has designed for my convenience and helped me save the money on a bottle opener. Such good people they are out there in beautiful British Columbia.
The monotone humm of my boyfriends laptop reminds me that I am still to be job hunting and sending my credentials over the world wide web hoping someone will even open the file in which all of my personal information (and subtle pimping of myself) is contained.
I know they probably won't.
On Maury Povich this morning some fat guy was admitting to his diseased wife that he had been selling his body to both men and women so that he could afford the medication necessary to sustain her life. She got all mad and pushed him away.
"Oh, how could you do this to me" and other predictable retorts spouted from he oddly pouty mouth.
'Look lady, he's fucking some of the ugliest bastards you could imagine and he's doing it all so you can still wake up tomorrow and eat yer cream of wheat.'
Or something like that I would have said if I were in the audience, and felt like speaking. I just hope I wouldn't be on of those typical douche bags in the peanut gallery who just holler shit out, or prey they get applause after their usually poorly thought out comments. I just realized how quiet it is in here because I forgot to put some music on, John made me clean up my CD's off of the living room floor, and now I don't know where anything is. Plus yesterday I put on Madonna's new album to hear why people keep telling me it's good, and I just couldn't get it. In fact, it's hard to listen to for me. Maybe I'm more for the classics, I liked it when she sang about getting laid and then knocked up. Now, she just spouts shit out, and I wanna sew her vocal chords together. I wouldn't, cause I can't stand blood.
Lately I have been considering how eerily similar we are to the SIMS. We work, come home, fuck, make babies, work more to support the babies into adulthood, eat dinner and die. I've thought about hog-tying my boyfriend moving out to the woods and sustaining ourselves off of the land, but I know the resurgence of the 60's mentality wonuldn't fly, so I'm going to combat the boredom that has me nerve wracked by making more lists.
1. Run To The Hills - Iron Maiden
2. That's What It Takes - Celine Dion
3. Autumns Here - Hawksley Workman
4. O Holy Night
5. That song by, hmm, was it Sharon Lois and Bram, about the old lady who lived in the woods oooooh ohhh ohh ohh, and you sat there terrified waiting for her to scream BOO. And you always knew it was coming but for some chilhood reason that was never enough to prepare you for it, and you shat yer pants every time it came.
1. Ben Mulroney
2. Raven-Symone (Has anyone seen 'That's So Raven'? it's a half hour with the Anti-Christ!)
3. Carnie Wilson (her first name says it all "Come see the worlds fattest lady who got skinny and made money from it, don't forget yer candy floss sold for a mere $7 a bag just outside the big-top")
4. Antonio Banderas (the worlds ugliest latin lover fantasy comes to life in this heart warming drama set in the spanish country side)
5. Tyra Banks
Aspects Of A Repulsive Personality
1. Feeling the need to tell others to 'smile'.
2. Referring to your mother as Mom, when you're talking to me...."Mom says", I'm actually riddled with shock by how many people do it.
3. Using racial slang and meaning it
4. Farting during meals
5. Telling people that you've never masterbated
6. Those people who just wait until it is their turn to speak again when you're having a conversation. You can physically see them hanging off of thier next words, and totally oblivious to what you're saying. I figuratively throat punch all of those kinds of people.
7. The double soy latte with skimmed milk assholes
Movies You Should Really See (à mon avis humble)
1. A Dirty Shame - John Waters
2. Mean Creek - Jacob Aaron Estes
3. Outrageous Fortune - Arthur Hiller
Top Three Things I Will Only Admit In French
1. J'ai eu un rêve que j'ai eu des rapports anaux avec votre grand-père
2. Mon testicule gauche est sensiblement plus grand que ma droite, et souvent odeurs des ananas de décomposition quand danse de salsa de I.
3. Je me sens assez quand je place un sale, chaussure portée dans mon rectum et applique le rouge à lèvres à mon scrotum.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The 7 Deadly Sins and How They Apply To Me

Okay, so I went to church by way of my parents force as a youngster, and later in my teen years I lead children in the teachings of Jesus at Sunday School, still by the strong hand of my mother but the later as a means of escaping the sermon held by our minister. I knew that by being baptized I would be welcomed into the kingdom heaven so saw no real need to learn more about the bible or sit through endless blathering about god and this and that. I got some cold water on my forehead as a child, I was good to go. When I finally reached the age where my parents accepted that I did not want to continue as a member of an organized religion I threw church and all things godfearing aside. I never looked back either, until tonight.
I got to thinking about the afterlife, God, Heaven, all that shit. And then it hit me, IF there is a god, will I really make it into heaven?
I remembered the 7 deadly sins and I thought that some self exploration here was necessary, I'll lay it out for you.
PRIDE Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
Okay, but am I proud or vain? For me these are two different things. I mean, like, I dance in front of the mirror sometimes and think that my moves have improved, but I'm not ready to bust them out on a stage. So...Am I proud of my accomplishments as a mirror dancer or am I staring at myself and thinking "Oh you go boy"?
Well, neither, I mirror dance to prepare for a night on the town, and when I look like I have a few moves down, I feel good, but that's the accomplishment of hard work, not over analyzing how good I look. Sometimes I have handsome days where I look in the mirror and think, "Fuck, if I could clone myself I would never be horny again!". That is vain, Carly Simon might need a Part deux for that one. But so what, I'd do me, and love it. Yeah that's right, I've even gone as far as to add a picture of myself. Does that make me proud/vain? Who knows, guess god does, we'll have to wait and see on that one. What's next?
GLUTTONY is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
Hmm, well, depends what were talking about here. If it's beer, I may be gluttonous, if it's Shredded Wheat Cereal, I am very giving, this is all so vague, it's like going to a psychic who never really tells you anything. Could I be gluttonous?
LUST is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body
Hey, like I said in PRIDE, I'd fuck me, so I'd sure as shit fuck you. I like to have sex, I'd rather be having it than writing blogs, but you can't win em all. It's not like I roofies in my boyfriends morning coffee, but I do enjoy 'the pleasures of the body'. I'm starting to think these sins were dreamt up by some fridgid douche bag. "HEY GOD LOVER, you need to fuck more, than it would only be the 6 deadly sins and the one fun way to pass time".
ANGER is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
Okay, once I had a cab driver in Toronto treat me like a piece of shit when he found out the neighbourhood I was heading to was the gay ghetto. He was black too, so should know how it feels to be discriminated against, but apparently not, because he proved to be one of the most homophobic shitbags I have ever come into contact with. I was angry at him. I spurned some fucking love that night.
GREED is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
Okay, this one is not me, I am not greedy. Sure, I'd like to win the lottery, but that's because I hate my job, and working in general, not because I want to have more money than you. I think I'm a 'give you the shirt off of my back' kind of guy. I've never been a label dropper, or cared much for trends. I think Paris Hilton is kinda cute, but it's cause she's so dumb, not cause she's so rich. Oh, and she is lanky, it's not sexy, it's emaciated.
SLOTH is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
Okay, this one is me, I don't want to get my hands dirty, or break a sweat unless I am committing the sin of lust or exercising. Don't ask me to cut the lawn or wash dishes either, it sparks anger which god doesn't much like.
thank god I don't believe in you

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

It's so lonely I could pee

I'm in a cave....it's dark in here....scary, and I feel so alone, if it weren't for my charming smile I'm not sure the people ahead of my would have been so keen on showing me the way out! God love the friendly cave dwellers. (Banff, Alberta @ The Cave and Basin) Catch the fire crotch in the background with the mint green jacket. "Hey, did you get that at the vintage store?" She looks like my moms birth mother, and I hate her, not the lady in the mint green jacket but the woman who squeezed my mom into the world. I fart on you grandma....I fart!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Why Safeway Suxxx

So, I emailed the Safeway Corporation on January 9th to express my obvious discontent with being called a 'Fag' by one of the little part time kids that work there. As I said in the previous blog I spoke to the manager on duty and he seemed to express genuine concern about what had happened. But, I know that all the kid who said it had to do was deny it. "Oh no, they took it the wrong way, I never said anything about them, and I didn't use the word fag". Well, then it comes down to our word over his, and nothing would be done.
So, I wrote a little note to the corporate office explaining that I wanted something to be done about it, and I wanted to know what that was. Today is January 17th, and I have not received anything more than an automatically generated email that you receive after writing to the grocery store chain.
I had been thinking about what I should do next as I let days slip by with no word from the customer service department in Safeway.
This morning I read my friend Dan's blog who had written about a 29 year old Canadian guy who was shot in the head while exiting a gay bar in Detroit. It was random, a hate crime. A fucking HATE CRIME in 2006. Dan was talking about how these issues need to be brought to the publics attention, and it's true, they do need to be brought into the light. The only problem is that so few people would even awknowledge the tiny light that it seems almost useless....ALMOST.
I just phoned Safeways Canadian Customer Service hotline and spoke to someone who told me that he didn't have access to the type of comment I was making, and then he took my name and information and told me that someone would call me back as soon as possible.
This little blurb is taken directly from the automatic response that safeway sent to me
Our staff is available to answer customer e-mails Monday through Friday
from 7AM to 9PM (MST). Efficient customer service is our top priority.
We will research and respond to your inquiry as diligently and quickly
as possible.

EFFICIENT???? My boyfriend and I get called Faggots by some little punk and his lady-caveman co-worker and I wait 10 days to find out what is being done? Then I call and all I get is, "I don't have access to that kind of comment"??????
What the fuck is efficient about that?
I work in retail, if I muttered something under my breath i would be fired on the customers word alone, and, AND I would probably be given hundreds of dollars in gift certificates to make up for the offense.
Safeway.....well, they just back burner it, maybe hoping you'll forget about it. Well, not this time, and not this 'Fag'.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Faux-Hawk Fuck Bag

Well, God doesn't, but little boners that work for the Safeway corporation sure do. And I'll tell ya why......
My boyfriend and I were shopping at our local Safeway Store because we had watched the movie 'Twister' the night before and the scene where the cast eats dinner at one of the leads Aunts house makes him crave the dinner they have. It's pretty simple (but fucking good) and consists of mashed potatoes, gravy and steak. It did look damn good, so when John picked me up from work the following night I had no problem with the idea of grabbing those staples and eating that exact meal. We got what we needed at one end of the store and then headed to the produce aisle to grab some veggies. As soon as we walked around the corner I saw a young man look over at us and say something to a female coworker who was at his side. I did not hear what was said, but saw that they were both looking at us and laughing, and it wasn't too fucking hard to figure out what the joke may have been. The young man in his grocery store garb also sported one of the worst faux-hawks I have ever seen. Maybe that's why he's burned into my brain. Anyway.......
We walked out of the area and John turned to me and asked if I had heard what was said, I admitted that I had not, and then he told me that the male employee had called us 'fags'.
My initial instinct was to run over there, grab his cop-out version of a Mohawk and bounce his little boy head off of my knee, but I fought it, and agreed (with John's cohersing) to walk away. We wandered up and down a few more aisles, and then I couldn't take it anymore. I had planned to say something to him, ask him if he had the balls to repeat what he had said, but again, knew it wouldn't work out appropriately if I were to confront the kid. I opted to wander near him, get his name and wage my complaint with the manager. When I got near them, the kid working there noticed me again, and whispered something into his coworkers ear, they again both laughed out loud. I was boiling. He moved around his cart, and I caught a glimpse of his name tag 'A-Ron'. Spelled just like that, which made me think that his parents must be modern day hippies and perplexed at how they could have raised such a homophobe. I walked back to the cashier where John was waiting in line and told him that we had to go to coustomer service and talk to someone or I would kick myself for a long fucking time. And we did. The guy in charge that night was very professional and apologetic, and couldn't express more sincere regret than if it were he who had the insult directed at him. I felt better knowing that at very least he was a fantastic actor and not the only person I know wasting their talents in the customer service industry. The manager assured me that the situation would be dealt with and that upper management would be made aware of what had transpired. I was going to leave it at that. But, i just couldn't. Tonight, John and I emailed the corporate office to make damn sure that the right people know just who is serving the public in their locations. I don't imagine anything will be done. All this little fucker has to do is deny that he said anything, and the situation ends. Admittedly, i hope we score a gift card for 100 bucks, and eat lobsters in the face of homophobia, but we'll see......
I'll let ya'll know!

Thursday, January 05, 2006


Normally I would not post a picture of a good friend of mine looking like she were in the middle of either vomiting or smelling a foul fart, but, this dear friend of mine emailed a group of our friends a short video of myself dancing seductively with the Christmas tree on new years eve. So, here I shall post a picture of her where she looks like poopie. *giggling*