Sunday, March 05, 2006


I got an email from my mom tonight telling me that my aunt (my dads sister) has been given 2 weeks to live, and that her husband has brought her home from the hospital so that her last few days can be spent at home.
Of the million and one thoughts that have run through my head tonight, one of them is that I am absolutely terrified of dying.
I remember when I was a kid I used to be so afraid of old people, and the reason was that they were nearing the end of the life cycle. They had lived a long time and were gearing down for the inevitable. I couldn't handle it. I was afraid of my own grandparents. Afraid they would drop dead, and I'd be standing there staring at a lifeless body.
When I got older and realised that one day I too would die, I cried for hours in my room. Sobbing that everything I had, everyone I knew, would one day be taken away from me.
It seems like somewhere around puberty I became invincible, and stopped worrying about death. I guess I accepted other peoples mortality as I was then able to be around seniors, but my own death, at least the idea of it was back-burnered. I stopped allowing myself to consider death. I accepted that it happens, i worked through the ones that effected me, and I subconsciously disallowed myself to ponder my life, or the end of it.
I mean, it wouldn't be healthy to wander around day in and day out wondering if today would be the day, and I don't. I haven't ever done that.
Maybe the reason I am so terrified about it is that I haven't allowed myself the time to consider what 'could' happen when i die.
I am not religious.
There'll be no pearly gates for me.
I have no idea what there will be, if anything.
As an odd counter attack, I am also afraid of the idea of eternal life.
Wouldn't I get tired?
Do I want to exist on some plain for all of eternity?
Again, as a kid, I was petrified thinking that there is no end, the whole 'figure 8' thing always left me with chills down my spine.
I don't want to die, but I don't want to go on forever?????
If I knew what it was that I wanted I would just hope for that, but I am as ignorant to the hopes I have for my destiny as I am to the destiny itself.
When I lost my virginty, dated and broke up with people, one of the things that broke my heart the most was the thought that if I was still alive when they died, I wouldn't even know. We would be out of contact, and their death could happen while I was out playing Yhatzee with my friends. How weird is it to not know (or never know) that someone you once said 'I love you' to, is dead.!?
I watched this show the other night called 'The First 48'. I guess the name is derived from the idea that if you haven't solved a homicide within the first 48 hours of it happening the likelyhood of it ever being solved diminishes rapidly.
I hated the show.
I cannot understand how the family of a murder victim could ever allow television cameras around while detectives are trying to uncover who murdered their loved one.
I think it's sick.
I don't care what the fucking financial gain is, there is no price tag that could ever be put on the horrific death of someone I loved.
Why would I want the television audience to be enthralled by the tactics investigaters used to solve my moms murder, or my brothers murder or my friends murder. I just couldn't do it.
No one needs to know the 5 W's they just need to make sure the criminals are, first, guilty, and secondly, being punished accordingly.
Excuse me for being all over the place here.
Navigating another tributary in my mind right now, I also watched some of a 'Fifth Estate' episode last week that dealt with Homolka and Bernardo.
I was so freaked out watching it, but for some reason I stayed 'Tuned in', and I gave myself over to information I didn't want to know.
First of all, fuck the made for TV movie. There is no way that anyone should, or even want to, capitalise on the deaths and rapes and torturing that those two crazy mother fuckers inflicted on people. The families of those girls have gone through enough. Making a movie about it spits in the face of the victims, and glamourizes murderers.
BUT, from the little bit of the 'Fifth Estate' that I did see.....
Karla Homolka is one crazy bitch. More crazy than I would have considered when the media ban was on during the trial. More crazy than I thought when the trials ended and more crazy than I would have considered with the bits of information I have heard since then.
The show that night focused a lot on her. Video tapes of her confessing to what happened with the girls they murdered. She actually said that it was 'kind of' hard for her to see the girls die, because 'when you're in a situation like that' you become close to the girls. And that when Paul was out her and the victims would have 'girl talk' and just laugh and paint one anothers nails. Now, we know Karla was the only one laughing, those poor terrified children wondering what would happen to them. And that sick fucking bitch is out on the street. She should never be given a moments peace. It should always be in the spotlight where that bitch is and what she is doing, where she lives and works, and what she ate for breakfast this morning. I would never want to find out that a murderer lived on my street and because of privacy acts, i wasn't aware of it.
I don't believe in capital punishment, it's barberic, but I do believe that people like her should spend the rest fo their lives suffering for what they did to another human being.
I could go on for a long time about this, but I'll cut myself off about her now, I'm getting angry.
I'll just end it here.
Sorry for the bummer blog.