Tuesday, September 27, 2005

High On A Mountain Top

So I was in Banff, Alberta, with my boyfriend and saw mountains for the first time.
It was, for real, breath taking.
One of the peaks called sulfur Mountain had a gondola that went to the top.
There was a wooden boardwalk up there that lined the edges of the peak and led to the summit. We walked it, so I guess, I have hiked to the summit of a mountain.
There were quite a few protruding look out points up there.
Hundreds of photo opportunities.
At one of the look outs there was an older lady leaning against the railing scoping out the perfect shot. She seemed pretty deeply involved in the planning of her picture.
When John and I walked past she stopped and asked if we would mind taking her picture. Her voice was riddled with the twang of the deep American south.
She was cute though, maybe mid 60's with sweet looking eyes and a nice smile. We said it wouldn't be a problem at all, and she handed the camera to John.
'Alriight, I'd like to have me standing by that there railing, and have the resterant and the mountins in the baackground.'
She explained to John that the camera was 'panneramic' and showed him some of the key points that she wanted in the picture. Then she made her way over to the spot she had decided on and leaned on the railing in full bent elbow, I am about to be in a picture mode.
As she got there John said he'd just wait a minute for the people who were climbing down the stairs to move along so they wouldn't be in the picture.
She turned to her right and spotted two women looking at the view, and completely overlooked the people to her left that John had been talking about.
The two ladies to the right were in no way interfering with the shot.
She continued to stare at them. Dead pan.
I felt my face flush a bit.
The two ladies were talking.
'C'est la montagne la plus belle, il fait mon vagin verser le liquide comme une chute d'eau!'.
They were French.
The older American belle just kept staring at them as if they were to turn around, see the look in her eyes and know instantly that they were ruining a very well thought out picture.
They didn't turn around.
Ol' Yankee Sue took matters into her own hands.
'Cuse me ya'll, ya'll mind moving, he's bout to shoot me'.
The two French ladies looked at her, baffled.
'Je n'ai pas entendu un tel mauvais anglais depuis que nous nous sommes perdus à Los Angeles centrale du sud.'
Yankee then looked at John with an expression of disbelief that they couldn't understand what she was saying.
I speak the fucking language, and I had to strain to figure her out!
Then she repeated what she had said about wanting her picture taken but added long sweeping arm movements to provide them with a visual aid of what she wanted.
if I didn't speak the language I would have thought she was doing Tai Chi.
TheFrenchh ladies took one small step.
They might have thought she wanted them to be in the picture, because at this point they had spotted John and the camera.
They looked worried.
Then, the American lady walked over to where she wanted them to stand, out of the picture, and made come here motions with her fingers.
Because of course, if you don't speak a language the best thing to do is have the person slow down what they are saying, and then it's easier to understand!??
At this point I had to walk a few steps in the other direction and turn my back.
If I had the cameraIi would have begun to laugh at this point.
Instead, I was 10 paces behind John in the opposite direction, laughing.
I didn't see it happen but the twoFrenchh ladies finally caught on to what 'they all' was being asked to do, and they walked out of the area saying 'Oh je suis désolé, nous excuse'.
To which tAmericancan woman responded
'Ah, thank you, thank you....Gracias'
She fucking said Gracias to a couple of very obviousFrenchnch women.
Because you know, if someone is speaking in another language it is most likely Spanish?!??
I had to start walking away.
John gave back the camera and caught up to me.
'Oh my god, did you hear that'?
I had, OH, I had!
I had to stop for a minute to collect myself.
The cute little woman became something dark and ugly after that picture experience.
It was almost frightening to see the way that she related to people.
Eyes rolling, sighing, and upset that they weren't able to speak HER language.
Then, at the end of it all to assume they were speakiSpanishish and to thank them in that language.
Well, between laughing at heI, i thought about kicking her.
Maybe it was the altitude that made her dumb.....
Oh but we all know it wasn't!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Mon AMI Karmen wrote a blog about 'trends' that she was glad that she never bought into. I have been thinking about that since I read her blog.
There are some sick fucking trends out there....
I want to name a few more

1) Cabbage Patch Kids - My mom told me that Cabbage Patch Kids were for 'little girls' I tried to argue the point, but my penis rendered me the loser of the great debate. Thank God (Allah, Yaweh, Jebus, El Shaddai, Jehovah, Jah) they introduced the GARBAGE PAIL KIDS; Flat Pat, Atom Bomb and Up Chuck saved my childhood insecurities surrounding my psycho sexual development.

2) Chip N' Pepper - Remember them, they came before hyper colour t shirts, and were all about the waves. Only, there were no waves in southern Ontario, just great lakes that burped. I have no pictures of myself donning Chip N' Pepper. It's the little things that help me deal with the crisis of my childhood.

3) Cock Rings - Ok, they're used to help a man maintain a hardon. I am good all on my own. Aesthetically, it's a piece of metal that wraps around the part of my junk that no one pays attention to anyway. In the long run, cheaper than viagra, honestly, more embarrassing than pushing hemorrhoids back into your ass.

4) Celine Dion - She did for titanic what she did for Chrysler. Wait, I think I just farted on Celine Dion! Oh My God, I did, she's so gasping right now.

5) Orbit- Does anyone remember this drink? I have no idea if it was carbonated? But it had these little jell balls that floated (orbited) around inside of it. I think Pepsi backed it, but it might have been coke, which would be the drug that the development team would have been using when they thought introducing it would be cool.

6) Heroin - Courtney Love is a mommy????????

7) Ska - WTF? Some of it was good. SKA FACE! COME BACK! Some people are so dumb.

8) GAY - C'mon, it was sooo cool like 4 years ago. Everyone wanted to be gay. I still am, but the shadows have thickened and the cool kids moved on to anime and then heroin (see # 6)

9) Looney Toon Character Sweat Shirts - This one was reserved solely for WHITE TRASH; "Oh jesus Mike, youze gonna get me dat sweater wit Mickey throwing dat baseball for christmas dis year, I knows hes gonna win dat ball game"

10) Len, Afroman, LFO, please, if you own these CD's educate yerself, maybe if you did you'd know I purposely spelled yerself wrong, I am merely trying to relate. But wait, you're a loser, and I am not. Go back to HMV and beg for forgiveness.

11) The Male Condom - Hmm, or a Miracle Mart bag will do in a pinch. We should all be having anal sex anyway, just to piss of god.

12) Tony Little - YOU CAN DOOOOOO IT! Long blonde pony tail, always bouncing around, c'mon, he's number 8 cool like years ago.

13) Ian - "ME??????" Oh My God, my acceptance speech is so short right now, but thank you all for voting. Let me start by thanking god, who made me gay, condemned me for it and then sicked all of christianity on my ass. I LOVE A CHALLENGE. Then I'd like to thank my mom, who always taught me that working hard reaped benefits, and that being a lazy fucking asshole who just sat around and played on the computer all fucking day made me a bad man. Obviously, my dad comes next, but he agrees with my mom, and I am scared to comment. Then I would like to thank my school teachers who said I would never amount to anything. YOU WERE RIGHT, only I blame societal norms and the current job market for my current inability to find acceptance in the 'career industry'. I would also like to thank Wayne, who taught me that men can fuck more than your ass. And to Mike who taught me that ass is a mere synonym for soul. And for counseling who said that soul wasn't just a musical movement in the 19th century. I'd like to thank ants for moving so quickly and making me wonder why I can't get that kind of motivation. I want to thank my ex's for scaring me. i want to thank my job for forcing me to realize that the general public is not cool. And most of all, I want to thank my friends who are so fucking odd that I can tell them all od this, and all we'd do is giggle (or get really drunk and touch one another's privates). Most of all, I'd like to thank Karmen, for her trends, and making me think of mine. Me love Karmen.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

So Glad I'm Not An American

New Orleans is full of crazy black people who shoot at rescue workers because all black people own guns and use them freely.
Well, it's the truth if you watch the nightly news.
It's true for all the American (and Canadian) assholes who are too FUCKING STUPID to see through the typical media bullshit.
Yahoo posted two seperate stories about the nightmare in Louisiana, Both had pictures of people wading through waist deep waters carrying boxes of food. Both pictures looked as if they could have been taken in the same area, water was about all you could see.
The only difference was that one of the photos featured black people carrying food, and the other picture showed white people carrying the same shit.
The stories were much different.
The story that was accompanied by the picture of the black people dealt with looters and criminals.
The story that showed the white people carrying food dealt with how desperate the situation had become, and how hard it was for people to find something to eat.
Now first of all, there is no such thing as 'LOOTING' where food is concerned, you can't be stealing if you're trying to survive, to actually make it through another night.
FUCK YOU for saying that anyone is looting when they're taking something to eat!
Does it make more sense for the food to got to go to waste?
Is it more appropriate for people to die because they didn't have the 3 bucks for the loaf of bread?
Just thanks god that American law falls in the favour of the white man, we don't loot, we survive, it's just them fucking blacks that steal.
I saw something on Canadian news where three young dudes on vacation in New orleans with one of the kids mothers got caught in the middle, taken to the Astrodome, and eventually rescued from there on charter buses.
To get to these buses they were snuck out of the back door of the stadium and through tunnels, but before they got to the safety of the bus they had to walk through a 'BLACK NEIGHBOURHOOD' and the fucking police told them all not to make eye contact, not to answer anything that anyone said, and just keep walking.
Because, of course, black people are like rabid dogs, if you look one of them in the eye, they'll attack.
Imagine standing on your street, literally starving to death, the bodies of your neighbours floating by, and then seeing people walk by and get on a nice air conditioned bus and driving off to safety. You are just left there, to die, or be forced from your home. Of course, you have no insurance, so what you are leaving you will never be able to come back to. If you have a dog, that you love, you will have to leave it behind when you are forced out. There's no promise or hope for you. Your government hates you (for more reasons than just not voting republican).
I'd be pretty fucking pissed too.
Would I grab my gun and start shooting at people?
Well, no.
These crazy black folks are really just law abiding memebers of the community that fall under the poverty line. They don't have guns, and are not shooting at the 'people trying to help them'. They're just unlucky enough to live in a country that doesn't care about them, no, THAT HATES THEM, because of the colour of their skin.
For that reason, they are dying, dead, or hopeless.
Where's the fucking president anyway?
No, never mind, I don't even want to get into that fuck.
If it were middle class white folks down there, the government would have reacted a lot sooner. The relief would have come a lot faster, and a lot less people would have lost their lives or suffered.
Oh, and as a side note, the 'shooters' well, there were tough gang bangers (of all colours) in the Astrodome, as well as real Felons and Criminals who had to be taken out of the prisons that were flooding. So, who was doing the shooting I wonder? Well, don't turn to the news to tell you anything, because it's all bullshit. Figure it out for yourself.
And when you do, let me know how rascism is still so brutally destructive and obviously rampant in 2006?

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Fudgey Puffs

I have been sitting here thinking of something I could write about, and nothing has come to me.
One of my best friends told me that it was time that I updated my blog, so I got all full of pressure, and began brain storming.
My brain failed me.
The only thing that came to mind was these two words...
So, i got to thinking, 'where did that come from'.
As close as i can tell the words Fudgey Puffs originated in France, Le Poof de Chocofudgez. Loosely translated 'The Plume Shaped Domes of Chocolate Fudge'.
It wasn't until French Immigrants came to Canada that this innocent term became something dark and disfigured.
Now, 'Fudgey Puffs' is a derogitory slang term used in reference to a homosexual male.
"Look at that fucking FUDGEY PUFF, he walks like a bitch".
Thankfully the Canadian Homosexual has a tough skin (perhaps because of the bitter cold winters).
When questioned about the use of the term one homosexual said;
"I'm so not caring right now, it's just so dumb. I mean, these big brutish men are just so silly with their terms, i mean, what does fudge have to do with being gay, like do we have a sweet tooth?, Like Whatever eh!"
Research suggests that when used in slang the fudge is to represent fecal matter, as in Fudge Packer.
When we asked a smarter gay man this is what he had to say;
"Fudgey Puff? What the fuck do I care if some toothless breeder is sitting around swilling beer with his mother/girlfriend and calling me something that sounds like a Mr. Christie fucking cookie?"
Further research stated that yes, 'Fudgey Puff' did in fact sound like a dessert biscuit.

The Gay Canadian Handbook Of Words That Should Offend Us When We Hear Them,
The Canadian Reference Guide To Funny Things To Scream At Fags,
The Christian Bible,
Mr. Christies Cooks With Fudge