Saturday, April 30, 2005

Can I escape my Christian Upbringing?

to sprinkle or pour water on, or immerse in water, as a religious ceremony, esp. in admitting to a Christian church; 2, to purify; 3, to christen

Sprinkling water on my forehead and dropping a few 'Jesus Christs' wouldn't even allow me to bypass a five dollar cover at a gay bar! Now why is this gay man expected to believe that it will grant me entrance into the kingdom of heaven?
I was a childhood Christian.
I attended all the years of Sunday School. I acted in church plays. I lit candles in my pew on Christmas eve. I prayed. I taught at Vacation Bible School in the summer months, and even went as far as to be a Sunday School Teacher for the grade 4's.
I did it all begrudgingly and at the force of my parents.
My mother used to refer to her one hour a week in church as her most peaceful hour of the week. I did not do the same.
I laid in bed on Sunday mornings and prayed (almost literally) that this would be the Sunday where my parents overslept.
By the time I was fifteen I was very capable of saying no. So when the idea of enrolling me in confirmation courses arose, I was steadfast with my 'Fuck No'.
I didn't (and don't) give a shit if I am not allowed full communion in a Christian Church.
My church housed a gay minister. Of course, the congregation didn't know that at the time, then one fateful Sunday (while I was colouring a picture of Jesus in the basement) my Minister came out of the closet during a sermon. Apparently, a lot of the "Christians" in attendance that day got up and left. Most refused to come back until the fag was gone, and a few were never to return because at one time there was a gay man spreading the word of God there. The church was somehow tainted, dirty, the word of God coated in a grey film that masked its true beauty. How dare a fag tarnish what God is trying to teach us;
'Love thy neighbour'
'Do unto others'
Admittedly, I didn't know at the time, I was a child. I didn't find out until years later.
It became a dirty secret that was burried just off the grounds of the church.
In late highschool I befriended a girl who had always attended my church, she told me the news.
I have no resentment.
I cannot blame Christians for their inability to form individual thought any more than they can point a finger at me for 'choosing my lifestyle'.
I do however, want to escape this. To move beyond my affiliations with organised religion and purge myself all that I have learned. I want to unlearn everything.
I don't want to pick and choose, join a gay church that candy coats the bible or search for another religion.
The simple truth is that no one has any fucking clue why were here or where we're going.
I'm all for spirituality, but only if it's self developed.
Organizing something like spirituality is like trying to organize free thought. It cannot be done, and if you try to, it becomes a herd that follows a leader(s).
Typically your religious beliefs are formed by what continent you are born on. They filter down to what country, and finally what family.
You did not pick your religion, an ancestor did when they realized that the Presbyterian Church was closer to home than the Baptist one.
Regardless, gay people have no place in Christianity. We are excluded from God's love as a direct result of our 'choice to deviate'.
To pretend that that is not a part of the bible is to sheild ourselves against the truth.
Not to mention, to choose to ignore one of the bible's teachings in turn chips away at the integrity of all the others.
We do not need Jesus as a part of morality, love, honesty or respect. These human conditions were there in B.C. just as in A.D.
The common argument is that Christianity instills good values, and does more good than harm.
Tell that to my ex-minister.
Tell me that.
Tell gay people all over the world that.
When those 'Christians' got up and walked out, they walked out on a very brave man at the front of the church, they walked out on a little boy in the basement, and they walked right the fuck out of all the 'good values' that the bible had taught them.
How can so much stock be placed in something that is seemingly so easy to forget?
I don't forget.
I only wish I could!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Now who's finger banging their asshole? Posted by Hello

Squinting Cheetah

K - Is for Kelly, cause i couldn't think of anything else that started with K, except that movie The Killing Fields, but we never saw that together!
E - Is for Entertaining, cause you make me giggle! One time I even peed a bit in my jockey shorts.
L - L is for love, cuase yer in it now and getting married.
L - L is for love, cause I think yer purdy damn special too!
Y - Y is for Yahweh, which is a modern reconstruction of the supposed original name of the God of the ancient Hebrews. And here I was thinking it was Donald.

Good luck on the move and the future Kelpie!

MMM, Lay one on me Posted by Hello

Simple Rules For Good Face Sucking

How many of us say that we enjoy kissing more than the sexual act?
How many believe that it is more intimate?
So, if it is so important, then why do so many of us deliver a lousy kiss.
I started out pretty lucky, back in the days of kissing girls i never had a complaint, aside from that fact that they were girls.
But, they kissed well.
Then, I came out. Started kissing men. For a while I was pretty confident with the skills I had aquired, and was pleasently surprised by the skills of the men I was kissing.
However, it has gone downhill.
So, I figured, it was time to lay down some simple ground rules to enhance your kissing experiences.
First of all, the men who have never kissed women have a lot to learn.
I hope this helps.
Kissing techniques to avoid;
1) The Tongue Spear; this one is particularly offensive. It is when the person you're making out with makes their tongue into a tubular mass of flesh, and they just shove it in there. Throw it in there. Then, the tongue dies, and you're left with a mouthfull of limp tube. Typically the lips stop moving. It's almost like your partner has died. The only thing to do is pull away. Hopefully then they retract the tongue and learn from their mistakes, but some sit there looking at you with their tongues still out, like they're waiting for you to open yer mouth and keep it warm for them. This is not good. People who do this get talked about behind their backs.
2) The Waterslide; This is also not a good way to make a lasting impression. The tongue forms that hotdog bun thing that only those of us with the recessive gene can form, and the inside of the bun acts as a tunnel for spit to leak down into the other persons mouth. I do not want you to spit in my mouth, so please, don't drool in it either. Hell, take a break and swallow once in a while.
3) The Non-Commital Tongue; This is the one that pops in at bad times, like when you're moving your lips and mouth around and they end up licking your teeth. We all brush thanks, this is supposed to be sexy, not hygenic.
4) The Archaeologist; This technique makes the receiver think that the person kissing them is looking for something. The microfilm or the arc. They use their tongue as a search engine, and run it around the inside of your mouth like a fucking automatic pool cleaner. It's creepy. There's nothing in there but a tongue and some teeth, and if you don't smarten up, someones going to bite down.
5) The Biter; I once had a girl bite my tongue so hard it bled. I wanted to punch her. Make sure your partner is into S&M before you latch onto something. Had it been a guy I would for sure have crotch punched him. A gentle lip nibble can be good if your in the sack, but a full on bite, well, that calls for a fucking throw down!
6) I don't even know what to call this one; But for you people out there who lean in for a kiss with your mouth open and tongue already sticking out, well, it's not all about that. The thrill is waiting for that magical french kiss to start, not to have yer fucking tongue in my mouth before our lips even meet. Okay, Tom Cruise pulled it off in Top Gun, are you Tom Cruise? Then fuck off!
7) Dental Derby; Do not ever make contact with your teeth and the person you are kissing. Are you trying to crawl inside? Or are you trying to see who has the bigger mouth opening? There's no bigger mood kill than that familiar 'clink' of two different peoples teeth rebounding off of one another. Go easy, it's better that way.
8) The Clamper; These are the people who afraid of a tongue kiss, they spend the makeout session (which typically is short lived for them) with their teeth clenched. What's the problem here? Shit, you're not in grade 8 are you? Fuck, I gotta go!
9) EYES OPEN; Okay, you want to fully creep out the person you're kissing, have them open their eyes once in a while and see that you're dead pan staring at them. Shut em, maybe not all the time, but for sure, once in a while. No one wants to be stared at when they're that close. *shivering* it's kinda like making out with a lunatic.

I don't want to go on for too long, but for real, keep some of this shit in mind. Maybe you won't get laughed at in the bars or around the water cooler so much!
Pucker up baby!

farting online

'Men are not a new sensation, I've done pretty well i think'.
Ella Fitzgerald

Generally, I think I was doing well with men.
Then I opted to expand my dating potentials to the men 'wookin pa nub' on the internet.
My thought;
'I'm a pretty normal dude. I like pretty normal things. I'm easy going, like to laugh, and am a good caring fellow. So, if I'm online, there must be more guys like me on there too.'
I still believe there might be.
Sadly, they're all overshadowed by these dumbasses who bullshit their way through profiles, and even go as far as to use pictures that aren't even of them.
Ok, it makes sense to use a picture of yourself that you think is a good one.
BUT, we all have those one or two pics where were like, 'Damn bitch, I look good'.
We say this because we're surprised by what a great picture it is.
Why are we surprised?
Well, because most of the time we don't look like that.
So, to post one of the 'Damn Bitch...' pictures is going to disillusion the people looking at yer pic.
I have tried, as I think everyone should, to use pics that I'd say pretty much look like me on a daily basis.
For the ones who use other peoples pictures.
Well, yer a fucking idiot.
Nuff said.
Ahem, anyway, I've tried about 5 different dating websites, and keep seeing the same thing.
One dude i went out with said in his profile that he enjoyed weight lifting, hiking and biking, so on our first date we went for a hike. By the time we got back to the car after the walk he was peeling off layers of clothing and sweating like a St. Bernard in Cuba.
I was tipped off by the fact that he wasn't all that into weights, as his pecs were more like a b-cup of soft, pliable manboob.
I thought, hmm, why the fuck say you are something that you are not?
I mean, if you ever intend on meeting someone, they're going to notice, and although you may have a great personality, the knowledge that you lied before you even met the person will always be in your dates head!
So, don't lie!
I mean, post your own picture. Make of list of things you actually like to do.
Fuck there are people in the world that like to shit and piss on one another, and they're in relationships!
So, if you'd rather be sitting in front of a PS2 with a bong and a can of beer tell people that.
And, there are a huge number of people who are just looking to get off, so, search them out.
Leave the ones who aren't just looking for a blowjob in the back stall at Swiss Chalet alone.
Most of the people who use the internet as a source for meeting new people are not mutes, they are not incapable of intelligent thought.
Hell, I'd say some of us even have a brain on our shoulders, and we're more than a day old.
So for shit sakes...Be honest about who you are, what you like and what your looking for.
It'll save everyone a lot of time.
By the way, I'm looking for guys who can run in the Boston Marathon with me this year, I was lonely last year. Also, anyone else who like me, has won a Pulitzer or is a member of the 'Foot Long' club is welcome to say hi!

Thursday, April 21, 2005


I work in retail.
I am a 'sales associate'.
I work in a questionable Canadian city, and I sling straight leg or relaxed fit denim to white trash.
I service the blue collar community.
I am attracted to most of them.
That is neither here nor there!
My point; tonight, I daydreamed about selling shit to people. Do I really back what I sell?
Do I give a shit if the customer is satisfied?
Do I unhold my companies standards on customer service?
The answer is Yes, and NO!
I have this retail Ian, he is a far cry from the Ian whose ass I wipe, or whose polluted kleenex I bury at the bottom of the waste paper basket.
This Ian, well, he sells shit, he genuinely laughs at a customers joke, he smiles all the time, he looks at a customer leaving the store, and he really hopes to see them again.
I hate this Ian.
This self that I have created. He is obnoxious, he is persistent, he is a shiny example of all the things I see myself hating when I'm sipping beers with my friends like Dan, Lisa or Karen. This is the Ian that Karmen wouldn't even look twice at on the sidewalk.
I become a version of myself that I don't even recognize.
I think then....If I am willing to do this for a store where my wage is insulting, where I NEVER go home feeling like I have accomplished something, why is it that I have created a persona?
Why do I owe my job this alter-ego.
The truth, well, we all have it, fuck man, we have it with different friends who travel in the same circle.
I am not the same Ian I am with Willy as I am with Wanda!
We recreate ourselves.
It's funny because even the biggest skeptics of what I am saying right now, have a personality that someone they know, would be shocked to uncover.
I see myself as a different person with the different people I know.
Well, I can say this to this person, but not to that one.
I can make a fart joke with you, but not you!
I can cry infront of you, but I would never do it infront of you!
Yet, I sell for a company that pays me to do so.
I do it well to, I sold a homophobe a pink sweatshirt, I sold a racist the worst safety shoe we sell.
I get back at the public where I can.
In my head, I call you cunts, fuckers, dorks, shitheads, and dickweeds.
I hate most of you, although I smile!
Well, since you buy what I sell, I'll be honest with all of you, I hate people who shop, I hate people who don't know their waste size, I hate people who refuse to give their postal codes, I hate men who shop with their wives/mummy's, I hate exceptionally fat people who bitch at ME for not stocking their size, I hate people who say they have been waiting too long for an order, I hate people who swear at me knowing I can't say 'Suck my big hard cock you lousy fucking fungal turd!'. I hate long professionally done finger nails. I hate people in manual labor jobs that shop at the end of their shift. I hate the use of the words Nigger, Faggot, Chinamen, Paki and Bitch, that I have heard countless times in countless sales. I hate that my 'HEAD OFFICE' does not back me in telling these losers to fuck off, to leave the store, or that I do not appreciate what they are saying. I am only allowed to nod and bring the subject back to the sale at hand.
You're all a bunch if self serving assholes out to get what you want!
I hope you get it, then I hope you shove it up yer ass, set it on fire, and try to pee on it to save yer own unholy, manufactured, ignorant asses from burning.

Fuck you!


Thursday, April 14, 2005


There's this idea now that all the 'good' music is indie, or is a band comprised on musicians hell bent on political revolution, or someone who belongs to their own label.
Where does this come from?
I mean, fuck, we all know Brittany Spears and Justin Timberlake are manufactured versions of musicians, but, why is so much emphasis placed on this idea that new 'under-ground' bands are the ones that are breaking ground.
How many MUSIC SNOBS have enough knowledge of old music to be so snotty with what they listen to?
Do you think Kathleen Hanna or Patti Smith don't have guilty pleasures?
Do you love Earlimart because you think they have an original sound?
Do you embrace Matmos because they combine art and music?
I mean, all of these things are fine, I would agree with them myself, but why is it then, that a MUSIC SNOB will fight tooth and track listing to say they have no affinity for anything mainstream?
This is a manufactured approach to music.
How do you know what you are listening to is fantastic if you're just taking the word of the guy in the Beret who chokes down soy lattes cause that's what the 'Indie Gods' told him to do in a vision?
MUSIC SNOBS are people too, and they deserve respect, but it's really just an alternative to being a rocker, or a hippie, or a skid.
This is not a unique culture, there have always been people who favoured the music of the few to that of the mass.
The phenomena of MUSIC SNOBBERY has just recently been perfected.
And please, you have to be listening to more than Peaches, Sleater Kinney and Snow Patrol to classify, but, it's become popular to surround ones self with little known music to 'rebel' against the current mainstream.
FINE.....I hear the radio too, and it does all sound the same, and a lot of the same is shit!
BUT...why does it have to be new or the Velvet Underground to be cool?
It is not about message!
It is not about vocal ability!
It is not about Music!
It is solely about what is popular with the MUSIC SNOB kids!
It is a lesser version of a Blink 182 fan.....The mass you're following is simply smaller!
Don't get me wrong, I love me a good music fan, and I can comfortably discuss music over 24 beers in a one on one setting, BUT, come to me with more than what you heard was cool.
I wanna hear you love Sade or Led Zeppelin, and love Kids On TV!
Why is the music industry so fixated on what your neighbour likes?
Make up your own fucking mind, and go with it.
If you love Madonna, scream it from the friggin hills.
If you love The Band, say so with pride.
A true music fan is passionate about what they LISTEN to.
Not WHAT they listen to!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

INCENSE?? my bad Posted by Hello

Monday, April 11, 2005

Don't be a dumb fuck!

Television should be supervised by adults at all times?
well..fuck no....
'Adults' are the ones who are currently deciding what the youth of today is seeing on TV.
Those pokey 'children's shows' with brightly coloured creatures befriending one another and talking in spasmodic tones are excluded.
Although it is said that the 'years before 5 last the rest of our lives', it's the years after that that fuck with my head.
What messages are we really sending out.
Well, here's some realistic interpretations just from watching TV tonight.
1) Women are sexual objects simply created to entertain white, heterosexual men.
2) Smoking cigarettes is awful, but beer will get a man laid.
3) The female menstrual cycle is a thing of shame, so be discreet when you're on your period, god forbid anyone should be aware that you're dirty secret is really your ability to give life.
4) Gay men are always good for a laugh, better yet, laugh at them.
5) Avril Lavigne is a punk.
6) Times have changed, but women are still responsible for cleaning the toilets.
7) Getting old is a part of life, but looking old is for the poor.
8) Sex is a totally natural function for humans, and can be discussed in the parent/child relationship as easily as the weather.
9) Marijuana is a gateway drug, if you smoke it, you will end up homeless and injecting heroin.
10) Black people all have a way of talking that is significant to their race, they all share the same sense of humor and mannerisms.
11) Smart women are masculine.
12) Socially conscious men are gay.
13) All Asian people take Karate.
14) A personified animal will sell meat.
15) Teenage girls only want to make themselves appealing to the opposite sex, they have no capacity for individual thought.
16) All musicians have a message.
17) All men are incapable of romantic notions.
18) White people don't start wars, they defend honor.
19) Canada is a peaceful country with low crime rates and is comprised of heterosexual Christians who don't use drugs or intake too many calories.
20) North America has no poverty.

I could ramble more, and this really is just from watching TV tonight. Like the smarties commercial where three guys bite into the new smarties bar to match the colour of the girls outfits who walk by. Hetereosexual men, eat women.
It's funny how parents and people in the child rearing profession are so concerned with what their children see, and yet seem disaffected by what these same kids are seeing a few years later. ??? It's okay to not discuss the fact that all solvent commercials depict women as the cleaners, but it's important to tell them that Eminem doesn't really mean it when he says he's going to kill his mom!?!?
I love Canada!
I love that we are a multicultural country!
I just wish that we weren't so influenced by what we see on TV.
I wish people weren't still called down for their cultural backgrounds or sexual orientation.
I wish more people could 'put themselves in others shoes'.
I wish organized religion wasn't exclusive.
I wish we could formulate our own ideas regardless of what we have 'learned'.
I wish TV could be taken as a source of entertainment, and less as a window into the world.
I wish parents/people would take more time to analyze what they are seeing, and not be so quick to pass it off as a commercial or a television show. Thereby disregarding the messages.
There are too many amazing people in the world.
Too many unique ideas to pass up.
Too much emphasis placed on archaic ideas of what it is to be a man or a woman, or to belong to a certain race.
It's a joke to say 'why can't we all love one another'?
But it's common place to laugh at the blonde joke, or the Jewish joke, or the gay joke.
No real thought is present.
Who is it then, that doesn't want to think on their own, but will fight tooth and nail to say that they have?
Why are so many thoughts manufactured and so few able to realize that?
How clearly do you think about what you do, say or are opposed to?
Don't be fed by the media, use your own fucking head and make your own decisions based on realism and obvious fact!
sorry.....TV got to me tonight!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Excited Turkey! Posted by Hello

Wanna Hump?

I lost my virginity on a bathmat.
I was 18.
I think my 'first time' fucked with my psycho-sexual development.
I'm not saying I get hardons in the bed and bath section at Walmart.
I just crave some romance.
Its been a while, if it's happened at all.
I'm sure there were one or two candles in there, but most likely a side effect as compared to a tool for seduction.
Like, say, I was getting head before I blew out the candles on my birthday cake.
Or, I rolled over to light one so I could see what the fuck 'this guy' was trying to do!

That's not the way it was meant to be.
I screwed up THE PLAN when I gave my virgintiy to someone 3 feet away from a fucking toilet.

I want to get some in a hot air balloon!
I want to make love on a beach!
I want to fuck in the forest of Algonquin park!
Or, I want a candle lit. A nice one, maybe even smells good!
I'm not some needy gay guy who wants to 'cuddle' (much).
But, I want someone who puts some thought into a good screw.
Maybe not everytime, or even most of the time.
But once in a while is a must.
I'm sick of the guy who dry humps yer leg and then looks at you like yer supposed to be excited about what's comming next!
I hold Karen and the bathmat accountable!
I crave romance because I experienced my first sex with 4 knees and two elbows on a plush blue bathmat at a friends house.
That is some sick shit!