Coffin Dodger Takes Flight

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend on the internet.
He's a pretty decent photographer and had sent me some pictures.
One of the pictures was of this really scenic region in Germany.
In the picture my friend is standing on a pretty thin path of rocks. I can't see too far below where he is, but it looks mountainous, like if he ventured too far to one side there would be one hell of a drop.
I got to thinking about traveling and backpacking and exploring parts of the world I had not yet seen.
I pictured myself there. Skin in gooseflesh as this ethereal feeling surrounds me.
I had it in the back of my head for most of the day.
So when I went to bed that night I was not surprised to have a dream that incorporated huge cliffs and a very aesthetically appealing area.
I dreamt that I was walking on this grassy field. Lush grass too, like the green grass that one only finds in dreams, or possibly in parts of the world I have not yet made it to.
I was with some friends. It was sunny. Warm.
There were a fair amount of other people doing the same hike.
Off to the left of me was a massive drop. It wasn't even rocky, the field just sort of ended and led out to nothing. It looked like the ends of the earth, but somehow I knew there was land down there. I thank my first geography course for that.
I was walking. An excited feeling had a hold of me, and the warm sun on my face was a welcomed escape from the reality of this Canadian winter.
Then, screaming.
Loud panicked screams.
I was jarred right out of my good buzz and spun around to see an old woman in a pink jumpsuit sprinting across the field.
Her aged husband was close on her heels, but not quick enough to catch her.
Only, she wasn't running at me, or away from him.
She was running toward the cliff.
Not even running, hauling ass!
I stared in horror for about 5 seconds before she reached the end of the safety of the grassland.
She fucking jumped off.
All her white hair and pink flailing appendages just sort of disappeared as she fell below my field of view.
I thought about looking over the edge, but I've seem some of the websites where they post pictures of people who suffered serious accidents resulting in death most times, and I did NOT want to see it again.
Then, I woke up!
I just sort of shook my head last night and went back into a sleep that didn't provide me with any more dreams that I remember.
This morning, concern grows.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I take this perfectly innocent dream and make it into this sick statement.
What is the statement you ask?
I have no idea!
Just that I am a whack job.
I can link why I dreamt of the hike to what I had done during the day, but I do have a hard time drawing parallels to the suicidal old Betty.
Am I an ageist?
Do I subconsciously feel that seniors have no place in society, let alone in scenic areas?
I don't want to be a hater!
I knew I shouldn't have tossed out that dream interpretation book I got for Hexmas a few years ago.
Now how the hell do i know if I'm coming into money or due for a career change?
Still dreaming............

This one was particularly obese! 

Funny As Shite

"Shit's Shit, you nancy priss-ass!"
'Trick', 1999 Fineline Features

Ahh, but is it?
If shit were merely the waste of a living organism then why would so many people find such delight in a good shit story?
Yes...even you! .......the one who won't admit it.
We all crap.
It's not like we walk into a public restroom and hear wild laughter while others 'release'. Yet, even tragic stories are made wildly amusing at the mere mention of turd.
Is it because having a bowelmovement has been something we've been socialized into keeping a 'dirty' secret for so long?
Are we in fact mesmerized by one of the most natural functions of human existance solely because it is something we don't speak of?
I used to be terrified to shit in public.I would only cut cable in my own home, or at the home of a very good friend.
I blame my father.
When we were kids and on family holidays a stop at a rest station meant sheer embarrassment for my brother and I. We'd see my dad grab onto the door handle of a stall and run to a urinal to void before the fireworks began.
My father is such an animated shitter, that while standing at the sink and washing my hands I remember men laughing and turning to look at what stall all the noise was coming from. As if they were expecting to see lights and pieces of porcelain shooting out from underneath.
I would ignore the proper hygiene my mother was so adamant about and run back to the shelter of the car, hiding under a crossword puzzle book so no one knew I was the offspring of the 'Ass Blaster'.
Later in life one of my best friends told me that there was a 'key' to public shitting. Her advice to me was to make as much noise as possible. Her idea is based on the fact that if people can hear that you don't make any apologies, why should they care?
I am not a good student of Karen's teachings.
But, it has gotten me thinking about # 2.
See, I got a digital camera this Hexmas. I was joyous.
Now I don't have to wonder what the photo consultant at the local 'Walmart' will think of me when she hands me the roll of film that has pictures of THAT.....
No friends..not that!
I just mean I can safely point and click my personal life with no judgements from a girl who has most likely seen things that would make the majority of us blush!
I got to thinking......
My thinking got me here.
I wonder if my facial expression changes when I am on the toilet?
Do I look like a pure gentleman who maintains composure?
Do I look like an orphan who caught a glimpse of 'Mommy' in the mall?
Do I look like a drug addict who sees the likeness of jesus in the crack pipe?
I couldn't resist......I had to know.
I waited until the moment was right. I grabbed my 5 mega pixel camera and headed into the room where we all do what we do not speak of.
I pointed, I clicked, I saved, and now, I share.
It turns out I look like I do when someone suggests I need more organized religion in my life.
Here, I share my moment with you, and suggest that if you do not already have one, pick up a digital camera and document the human things.
Like, love, hurt, dissapointment and of course........
shit!